The Quest for the Legends

This is an author's commentary intended for readers who have already read the entire ILCOE. My retrospective comments on the chapter are in bold below, with some remarks within the text and then some overall thoughts at the bottom. The commentary will contain significant spoilers! Do not read the commentary on your first read-through!

This one's from November 13th, 2004, just over two weeks after the previous. In the previous versions, the title of this chapter was "Stealing is wrong", which I still find really funny as a chapter title.

I hadn't thought about this title in years beyond thinking it's pretty awkward, but actually, looking at this chapter again, what I was going for with it was probably the ambiguity of who was actually the "thief" and the "victim" here. That's kind of neat, even though the title is ultimately still awkward.

It was Mitch. Mitch stopped him from dreaming because psychic powers. Implicitly, he also knew Mark'd been having nightmares. Because he is Mysterious.

(This was new in this version; in the original, May explicitly woke up after twenty minutes, but it was still somehow daytime when she bolted outside. Here, I managed to notice this and have them sleep until morning, so we're on day four of the journey now.)

In the previous versions she yelled "Taylor!" instead. I think I probably changed this because she's only heard his name from Mark and probably didn't particularly care (in chapter 9, she just called him "that lying little idiot with my Quilava"), so realistically it'd probably take her a second to even remember what his name is.

Wow, I think I must have only just learned the word "observing" or something. It's popped up four times now just since the beginning of chapter 13. I don't think I'm using it quite correctly either. Good job, fourteen-year-old me.

The bit about Taylor regretting that he conned May here was new in this version; before, his characterization was pretty flat generic fanfic villain. He's still completely self-centered in his concerns - he thinks he maybe shouldn't have because he hasn't needed it, and he's only really worried about having broken the Agreement because he thinks Quilava might attack him if he ever does send her out - but this time I was actually writing him as a real character with his own mind and motivations that simply happen to be strange and self-absorbed but not malicious as such, and I'm reasonably pleased with it here; he's pretty much consistent with his later self. It's quite possible I was already planning the bit where Taylor gives Quilava back to May at the League by this point. (I was definitely already planning the bit where Tyranitar murders him, of course.) I suspect back in chapter 9 I hadn't yet started thinking about Rick much, but I know I sort of started developing the two of them at the same time since their characterizations are closely linked, so I guess by this chapter I was probably starting to get an idea of what made Rick tick too - unfortunately rather too late.

It's a bit hard to picture how she saw this bench and recognized Taylor sitting down on it through the window, but they nonetheless manage to sprint along the street for long enough for this conversation to happen without getting close enough to the bench for Taylor to notice them.

In the previous versions, she grabbed the ball off Taylor's belt; here, I had Taylor randomly put the balls on the bench beside him in the earlier scene, presumably to make it more realistic that he wouldn't notice.

I love May. She is so far and away the best character here. She's just got this narrative in her head where Taylor stole Quilava and she's perfectly justified in taking her back, and Taylor is terrible and she's the victim here, and when Mark challenges her on it and suggests she might have done something wrong she's so defensive and aggressive about it. She knows she screwed up with that trade, but she can't admit it and deflects from it with toxic justifications and anger and, of course, no respect at all for her Pokémon - before transparently changing the subject.

Mark's reaction, on the other hand, is poorly written and kind of what. Mark felt like he had just received an Ice Punch, but just glared at her and breathed very fast? That doesn't even make any sense; you don't start immediately hyperventilating when you're shocked. And in general I'm failing to really convey what Mark is actually feeling here. Is he offended on Charmeleon's behalf, shocked by the way May's talking about Quilava, just jarred by her sudden anger in general? It's actually hard to tell what I was going for.

I like how he still follows her to the Pokémart, though, even though she's not even dragging him along. Mark's shocked and unnerved, she just led them into a desert and almost got them killed, but it still never even crosses his mind to not keep hanging out with her. Oh, Mark.

That's remarkably perceptive of you, Taylor. In a rewrite I'd probably not have him deduce this immediately like this; he's pretty oblivious most of the time, so it doesn't feel quite in character.

It's weird that he's immediately grabbing Mewtwo²'s ball, because he isn't about to use Mewtwo² except as a backup plan. The smirk also sounds a little too generic villain, but I guess it kind of is something he'd do.

In the previous versions, one of the multiple officers surrounding Mark and May randomly accused them of being part of Team Rocket, because I guess they're the only people who ever steal Pokémon:

“Don’t try to be funny! The boy saw you and told us the whole story. So, you’re from Team Rocket? You’re pretty young for that...” one guy said.

“What?” May asked and Mark heard on her voice that she was getting angry. “We can be thieves, but I’d never join that team stupid in my lifetime!”

“May...” Mark kicked her leg. This was just too easy to misunderstand. And then was of course the fact that he had nothing to do with it.

I enjoy Mark's reaction there in that version.

Nice job lampshading this and thus drawing attention to the ridiculousness of this terrible, terrible plot point, fourteen-year-old me. In the previous versions, Mark genuinely seemed like he'd just had no idea, but here I was aware enough that that was a bit ridiculous that I didn't even actually have him believably act like he's actually surprised to hear he needs a license - he just goes immediately to beating himself up for not knowing. And then, uhhhh, the League system is just flawed!

It's a little ridiculous that she effectively just shrugs and sends him off to get a license whenever he gets around to it, with absolutely no attempt to ensure he actually does go get a license. (And of course, he doesn't, until he actually needs to in order to register for the Pokémon Festival! Mark could easily have kept running around without a license with no one the wiser. Brilliant security there.)

I don't think this makes any sense either. It's nice I was trying to show characters' emotional states through physiological responses, but apparently I really wasn't great at figuring out what those responses should actually be.

It's a bit weird for a nine-year-old to be able to get an actual juvenile criminal record, let alone for something like refusing to cooperate with the police. In most developed countries in the real world, you can't charge a nine-year-old with a crime at all, even as a juvenile. However, it could potentially be justified on the basis that in the Pokémon world, children are given a lot more responsibility at a younger age - it becomes a plot point later, of course, that trainers are legally responsible for ensuring their Pokémon are aware of human laws and otherwise doing what they can to ensure they follow them. Even then the reasonable conclusion would probably be that the age of responsibility would be ten, since that's when they can become trainers, though.

Thanks for the helpful and totally necessary summary, Mark. (It's a bit silly I pose this question about whether maybe the thing that was stolen was only as stolen as Quilava was when it turns out the actual answer is 'Nah, Spirit definitely was stolen,' though.)

In the previous versions, May outright said she'd spent a month "training herself in the art of thievery" to be able to steal Spirit back. That was pretty silly and over-the-top, so I ditched it here. It's still a little tryhard that May's got this whole history with the police and has a criminal record, though.

I don't think I knew when I wrote the original what was stolen - I'm pretty sure it was just a vague something that I didn't expect to ever come up again. By this point, I knew it was Spirit, but still didn't include any indication that the stolen "thing" was a Pokémon. It kind of makes sense for May to not really make that distinction, though.

When I wrote this I focused on May's age as the reason the police didn't take her seriously, but today I'd be inclined to have her also bring up the socioeconomic status angle that she does in chapter 31 - they're poor and the thief was a rich kid from a well-respected family that's probably buddies with the mayor and the police.

It's pretty weird that Officer Jenny doesn't think more of May confessing to having stolen a Quilava when a Charmeleon was reported stolen, isn't it.

This, of course, means that Taylor made a wrong assumption: he figured May'd still have the Charmander he traded to her, only he'd probably be a Charmeleon by now, and figured with this gambit he'd get him back (naïvely figuring that surely since he was originally Taylor's starter, he'll be happy to be back, right?). He had no idea who Mark was or that he had Charmeleon - for Taylor, that (and the fact Officer Jenny pulled Mark in too) was an exceptionally lucky break. I'm not sure why I didn't explain this more clearly in the text here; it's probably not necessarily obvious to the reader.

In the previous versions, May actually spoke up after realizing who Charmeleon was to explain what had happened with the unofficial trade. Officer Jenny said maybe she should ask Taylor a few questions, and that was when Taylor had Mewtwo² stop her, simply so he wouldn't be caught. I actually kind of like that May tried to clarify, though it makes sense she doesn't do it here - after all, she doesn't trust the police, and given that, it makes sense she'd rather take matters into her own hands than plead with the police officer. However, in the previous versions Charmeleon and Quilava were also both out this whole time and just didn't say anything, which was completely ridiculous.

Here, as I was writing Taylor more sympathetically, he's not about to be caught at all; he just decides to stop Officer Jenny from writing Mark up for this because all he wants is his Charmeleon and he doesn't actually want this random kid who genuinely didn't do anything to get in trouble because of him. I really like that, but on the other hand, there's a pretty glaring problem with the idea Taylor was about to completely get away with this: Officer Jenny makes no attempt to confirm with Charmeleon who his trainer is, which should obviously be how this process actually plays out. The plan was for the IALCOTN to have her be about to release Charmeleon to clarify this once and for all, and for Taylor to use Mewtwo² to make her skip that part - however, it occurs to me now that that'd mean losing this really nice moment of Taylor doing something genuinely unexpected and unusual for his kind of role in the story. Maybe that happens first, and then after that Jenny's about to write Mark up and Taylor stops her again.

Such effective description, wow. (Also, Mark reacting more strongly to the brainwashing of Rick's legendary clones than he ever did when he was actually fighting those clones.)

Ah, May fiddling with her fingernails. She's done this since chapter 30 of the original! It's not super-subtle, but I'm always a fan of nervous gestures.

You sure, Mark? May sure seems to have some other things on her mind. (Also, a thank you would've been nice. May just gave up the Quilava she's been obsessively wanting to get back in order for Charmeleon to be able to stay with you.)

I would never have guessed, but I think this may actually kind of be my favorite chapter so far? In my memory this was that ridiculous chapter with the illegal training subplot and the Officer Jenny not bothering to ask Charmeleon who his trainer is, but on a reread, this is mainly a chapter about May and Taylor, and it's honestly probably the best character writing I've done up until this point. May gets some backstory, she's flawed and genuinely morally ambiguous, she's got her own internal narrative and justifications and rationalizations and defensiveness going on, but ultimately she can't let an innocent party suffer for her misdeeds, even as she has a hard time fully facing up to them. Meanwhile, Taylor isn't super-well written and his scenes are awkwardly infodumpy, but I took this boring, stereotypical rival character and actually gave him some semblance of original personality and motivations, and had him actually save the main characters' asses simply because he doesn't want to hurt anyone - so long as he gets what he wants.

In the IALCOTN, I was planning to keep this incident for the purposes of properly introducing Taylor and his use of Mewtwo², but naturally, I'd ditch the whole bit about Mark's illegal training (I'm amused at how here I really seem to have been trying to spend the absolute minimal amount of time on it). Today I'd also excise May's unnecessarily edgy criminal record and stick with just her hostility towards the police - she probably still took matters into her own hands when the police were unhelpful back in New Bark, but there's no need for it to be on record since there are ultimately no actual repercussions to that. Taylor's murder is plenty serious without her having some kind of record from when she was nine.

In the next revision I'd also want to expand Taylor's scenes and make them generally better. I might actually have the chapter open with Rick and Taylor talking on the phone and Rick giving him Mewtwo² - I think the fic could really use more of Rick and his relationship with Taylor, which we didn't get to actually see at all in this version, and it could actually show the stuff that Taylor's first scene awkwardly infodumps here.