The Quest for the Legends

There is a thread at the Serebii.net forums about characters' hypothetical reactions to reading fanfiction about themselves. I replied to it and got a little carried away:

Let's see. For The Quest for the Legends and especially Scyther's Story, I'll bet you anything that people would slash RobxScyther like crazy. I think Rob is a little too insane to care who writes what about him, but Scyther would most likely be rather repulsed and weirded out.

Now, of course the MarkxMay and MayxAlan would be abundant, mostly because Rule #2 (after "Every male is gay") of fandom is that any two people of opposite genders who spend any time with one another must be in teh twu wub; given that Mark is twelve and rather at the immature side of the puberty spectrum, he would almost definitely find this gross and disturbing, and May would rant a little bit about stupid people who obsess over making up romances between other people, while Alan would most likely laugh at it and start pointing out specific instances of the almost-inevitable OOC-ness while avoiding any discussion of the truth of the shippings.

When we get to the hardcore shippers, we'll start seeing pairings like Molzapart/Chaletwo, Mew/Chaletwo, Chalenor/Chaletwo, Chalenor/Mew, Mark/Mew and probably Mark/Chaletwo as well. Chaletwo would definitely just get a bit ticked and point out that fic canon explicitly states that legendaries are sexless and do not reproduce, ergo no genitalia, ergo no hormones, ergo no such thing as romance, and deal with it that way. Molzapart would do something similar, although he'd be more weirded out than ticked. Mew would say something cryptic about not concerning himself with the imaginations of humans. If Mark saw fanfiction slashing him with Chaletwo or Mew (or in fact any legendary), he would be disturbed for life, so he'd better be kept away from that.

Then we'd have Rick/Taylor for some gaycest, which would squick them both and probably make Rick strangle whoever was responsible; we'd have Rick's Horrible Angsty Sexual Abuse of Mewtwo^2 which would probably make Rick's lips twitch a little (Mewtwo^2 isn't really self-aware enough to read anything); definitely May/Taylor hateshipping (which would make her at least attempt to strangle whoever was responsible and Taylor look blankly at the screen wondering how anyone could think he was in love with this random girl he's met twice); some ThunderyuxVolcaryuxPolaryu semi-incestuous hatesex-threesomes (or foursomes with Chaletwo the abusive father figure coming in, in fact - somebody would doubtless manage to link the whole locking-them-up-in-caves-and-keeping-them-sleeping thing to sexual abuse) which the dragons would be too busy tearing one another apart to care much about and which would make Chaletwo weep at the idea that there are actually people with sick enough minds to not only imagine that but want to write it down…

Oh, yeah, SuicunexGyarados, definitely. Which would make Gyarados murder whoever thought of it on the spot and Suicune shake his head wearily.

Hmm. MitchxScorplack. Somebody would find all sorts of uses for that tail. I can see Mitch's eyebrow twitching at that, but he's not really the type to judge anyone based on the fanfiction they write. Scorplack wouldn't really care.

Ooh, Charizard/Carl's Charizard. Maybe even threesomes with Charlie thrown in. Oh, my, that would produce a lot of lizardy blushing on Charizard's part. And Charlie would laugh himself silly. And Carl's Charizard would start grinning and being flirty, just because of how much she loves to tease.

Somebody might write Sparky/Nurse Joy of Stormy Town if it had managed to escape them that Sparky actually is gay or if they're just homophobic and desperate to make something heterosexual out of it. Or just because they're about the only people in town, and there isn't really anybody else Sparky could be shagging if one were particularly interested in writing about his sex life. Either way they would both laugh like hell and look for more of it to entertain themselves over on boring evenings. I can really picture that, you know.

Somebody would do something with Fury the Hitmonchan/some human, I'm sure. He would be mildly amused.

If we bring The Fall of a Leader into it, oh, all the StormbladexShadowdart. Stormblade would find it a little disturbing, and Shadowdart would have a bit of a hard time comprehending just why somebody would write that but not particularly care. And the last part would bring about some StormbladexNightmare, which I doubt either of them would care particularly much about although Stormblade would want to clarify that she's definitely no Pearl to him at this point.

And there would probably be random main characters x their Pokémon, which I think would squick everyone involved.

…yeah, I think I'll stop now before I think of more disturbing pairings that I'll never be able to wash off my brain.

Is it scary that I thought of all this stuff off the top of my head?

Alan: We took all of them, but only kept her. The rest we took to a nearby adoption center.

May: Great. A Blaziken now.

Alan: How did I evolve them? They just… evolved. o-O That's a weird question. And Mist doesn't know what happened to her siblings after we gave them up to that adoption center.

Tyranitar: …

May: I figure he can talk, but just doesn't like talking.

What do you mean, April Fools? Chapter 53 is perfectly real and they'll answer questions accordingly.

Huh, I didn't realize it was past midnight on the server when I posted this. I mean, it wasn't even midnight in Iceland yet. Really, you people. I wouldn't joke about something like this. I can't believe so many of you would just jump to conclusions because you don't like what happened in the chapter. I mean, I get if you wanted May with Alan, but come on, he's fifteen and she's twelve. That's just gross.

Listen to Negrek. The whole fic has been carefully building up to this; it's been planned for years. Maybe you just didn't get it and need to read it again.

May: I can't believe I cared about something trivial like that before. I was trying so hard to make Mark notice me, but now… I don't care. I'm with him. That's all that matters.

Taylor: Man, I can totally see now what a jerk I was. I'll have to try to make up for it now.

Mark: Definitely. I just feel that everything is going to go great.

Mew: Of course it will. There's nothing love can't do, after all.

*ahem* *cough* *pretends it's yesterday* *channels the Spirit of Bad Fanfiction*

Oh, but of course the story is going to be long! First there's the Mark/May/Alan love triangle to explore in detail, with plenty of angst on all sides. Then, though I shouldn't be spoiling this, Taylor will start pining after May too, and that's going to take some resolution. Then, after they've successfully caught all the legendaries and held hands around the Destroyer to make it evaporate, there are a few flash-forward chapters about how their relationship develops and is taken to the next level, if you know what I mean, and don't forget the epilogue where they're married and we get to see the names of their five children (as well as flashbacks to Ash and Misty's wedding, because they're Alan's parents after all).