The Quest for the Legends

Misty sat in a heap in the middle of the poorly lit room. The sound of waves could be heard, lapping at the edge of the pool.

She looked at the reflection in the mirror in front of her. It was pitiful

She had always forbid herself to think about him. The pain stopped when she did this. But now he was coming.

An image of the black haired figure appered in her mind as vivid as if he was right in front of her.

She let out a moan, and her fist fell upon the mirror, shattering it to peices.

I will not shed another tear over Ash Ketchum.

Her bleeding fist found its way to a metalic ball on her belt. She took it off with a small click and threw it into the pool before her.

"Gyarados," she said confidently, "I need you to do something for me."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ash walked out of the plane station, his luggage in a bag rolling behind him. He thought about why he had come here, how he and Misty were going to spend some of the summer together, maybe go and see Brock at his new job at the Day-Care if they got the chance.

He had taken the plane for no particular need, but he really didn't feel mellow enough to ride Charizard, and had more than ample money for plane fairs.

He caught a cab just in time and slid onto the vinyl seats. He felt a bit odd, his first stop in a town being a Gym, but he asked the driver to take him there. He trummed his fingers against the window absentmindly.

"Pika!"

The cute yellow rat burst out of its Pokeball in a burst of red fireworks. The taxi swerved.

"Sorry!" Ash said to both the driver and Pikachu. He had forgotton to let Pikachu loose after the plane ride, and he seemed pretty irritated, seeing as he hated his Pokeball.

Pikachu climbed up Ash's shoulder, and knocked off his leugue hat.

"Hey!" Ash said, reclaiming his hat back off the floor.

The cab came to an ubrupt stop, and Ash and his best friend climbed out.

The Gym was just as Ash rembered it, with the inracate fountains and the smell of fresh rain. It was funny; Misty had always smelt that way…..

Ash opened the Gym door and beheld a horrible sight.

Though the floressents were turned off, light shined from the far end of the Gym. For a Gyarados was in the pool, charging up a huge hyper beam aiming at the flame-headed girl,

"Misty," Ash breathed. And so he shot forward.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Misty waited to die. If the one person who chained her to the world didn't care about her, why should she?

"Pikachuuuuuu!"

The lightning bolt flew across the room, hitting the Gyarados in the face and messing up its concentration.

And there he was. Running towards Misty, to comfort her, just so she could be hurt even more when he left. She wouldn't stand the pain.

She crouched down and grabbed a peice of broken glass, slicing her hand open again in the process. But this was trivial. The real pain, no, the fire, was in her chest, eating her from the inside out.

She couldn't stand it. The glass she held slit through her ribs, peircing her heart.

Instead of worsening the pain, it dulled it. Dulled it into a gentle oblivion…

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

The beeping of a heart moniter was the only sound in the room, except for the boy pacing back and forth.

The doctors, as they call themselves, said that they could do nothing more. If she lived , she lived, if she died she died.

The favor was in the ladder.

Her eyes fluttered open.

Ash flew over to her bed. "We belong together."

She seemed dazed. Evrey nerve in Ash's body was like a live wire.

"We belong together." she said in her honey-sweet voice, letting the truth of the words sink in.

Then Ash pulled her into a passionate kiss, and the heart moniter went crazy.

Read and review, please!

I know it's morbid and I know it's sloppy and I know some of you don't agree with Ash and Misty being together. Give me more then that, people.

Thanks.

Oh, and for the record, this is only a oneshot.

its really good >.<

edit: BTW, nobody I know thinks it's MIsty and Ash. Its always "Ash and Dawn" or "Ash and May"

Oh here's my favorite: "Ash and Anabel". That and Misty are the only ones I can actually see. Like, nobody even thinks of those two! FYI, I think it's Misty and Ash, but in my story Im trying not to make anyone mad. I mean, not like I care, but still…

I don't watch thee animae much, so I don't have the faintest clue of what you are saying.

She looked at the reflection in the mirror in front of her. It was pitiful

You're missing a period at the end of that paragraph.

She had always forbid herself to think about him.

It should be "forbidden".

The pain stopped when she did this.

When she did what? Forbade herself to think about him? What if she does think about him even though she's forbidden herself to - is it not painful then? o_O

Ash walked out of the plane station

Plane station? o.o I've never heard that word used; shouldn't it be "airport" or "terminal"?

He had taken the plane for no particular need

"for no particular reason"

and had more than ample money for plane fairs.

"fares"

The cute yellow rat burst out of its Pokeball

…what in the world is Pikachu doing in a ball to begin with?

Calling Pikachu a "rat" is a pet peeve of mine (it is not a rat in any possible sense and the only people who do call it one are Pikachu-haters who want to insult it), but eh. :/

in a burst of red fireworks

It's rather odd to refer to it as fireworks, isn't it? Also, technically, the light when Pokémon come out of the ball is white, not that I blame you for getting it confused (I did too).

"Sorry!" Ash said to both the driver and Pikachu. He had forgotton to let Pikachu loose after the plane ride, and he seemed pretty irritated, seeing as he hated his Pokeball.

It strikes me as very, very out of character for Ash to simply forget to let Pikachu loose. Pikachu is always by his side; by all rights he should have felt odd the whole plane ride when Pikachu wasn't there.

The cab came to an ubrupt stop

"abrupt"

It was funny; Misty had always smelt that way…..

An ellipsis has three periods, not five. The extra two are kind of distracting.

(How can a person smell like fresh rain, anyway?)

floressents

It's "fluorescent", and that's an adjective, so you want "fluorescent lights".

light shined

"shone"

The lightning bolt flew across the room, hitting the Gyarados in the face and messing up its concentration.

In a big, dramatic scene, you do not want to use casual, colloquial, action-y language like "hitting the Gyarados in the face and messing up its concentration". It kind of kills the mood. :/

Slicing into your heart with broken glass will not just make you magically unconscious immediately; it will probably be excruciatingly painful first.

The doctors, as they call themselves, said that they could do nothing more. If she lived , she lived, if she died she died.

"as they call themselves"? You sound like Ash should be unaware of what a doctor is, which doesn't make a lot of sense. o_O Also, that's random present tense; it should be "as they called themselves". There's a space before that one comma that shouldn't be there and in general that sentence should look like, "If she lived, she lived; if she died, she died."

Admittedly that kind of kills my suspension of disbelief because I really do not think people can possibly survive piercing themselves through the heart with broken glass.

The favor was in the ladder.

Nonsensical sentence that really kills the mood you're trying to convey; a "ladder" is a movable staircase. You were thinking of the word "latter", but even so, "The favor was in the latter" is not how this would be worded; "The odds favored the latter" might work.

Her eyes fluttered open.

You kill the possible suspense here too early. This would be a nice time to have Ash reflect on things, actually come to the conclusion he loves her (something that is very decidedly missing here), be worried - but no, her eyes just flutter open the moment you've told us she might die. :/

Ash flew over to her bed. "We belong together."

…Ash can't fly. I know you're trying to use it metaphorically, but it is just too comical the way it is.

Again, for him to suddenly say "We belong together!" without us having seen him thinking on it and actually feeling some sort of romantic attraction between them feels very artificial and out of the blue. And why isn't he worrying about her life more than their belonging or not belonging together?

Evrey nerve in Ash's body was like a live wire.

"Every".

"We belong together." she said in her honey-sweet voice, letting the truth of the words sink in.

There should be a comma in the quoted dialogue: "We belong together," she said.

Her voice should also not really be "honey-sweet" at this moment; she's half-dead, after all. Again, shouldn't he be concerned about her life - wouldn't the first thing he'd notice about her voice be that it's faint and cracked, not that it's "honey-sweet" (a cliché anyway)?

I am also not sure what you're trying to imply she's thinking. Is she repeating what he said in disbelief, letting the words sink into herself? Is she agreeing, letting the words sink into him? Knowing what she's thinking at this moment would be awfully nice.

Then Ash pulled her into a passionate kiss, and the heart moniter went crazy.

"monitor", and "went crazy" is another one of those casual, colloquial expressions that you really don't want in a dramatic scene. It's slightly more excusable here since the main dramatics are over, but seriously.

And… I don't know if you realize that you're implying that Ash just killed her for good. When the heart monitor "goes crazy", that really does not sound like a good sign, and in general pulling anybody into a passionate kiss when they've just almost died and are lying in a hospital bed recovering is… not a good idea, to say the least. :/ Not the right time for romance. The thing is that a scene like this could actually be touching if you'd just leave the romance entirely out of it. To hell with them belonging together and passionately kissing; I want to see and feel them care about one another. Him leaning in and giving her a soft peck on the cheek while she is only half-conscious, knowing she doesn't have the energy to kiss him back, is infinitely more romantic than some run-of-the-mill passionate kissing will ever be.


…well. I'm really not a fan of romance, or of Ash and Misty (together or otherwise), but that only means I am not predisposed to being thrilled at the very idea of Ash and Misty getting together. I can enjoy romance, even shipping, but then it needs to be done in a way that makes it convincing and conveys the characters' emotions well enough for me to actually cheer for the conclusion - and I am sad to say this just does not do that. You need to go deeper into their emotions and convey their general feelings for one another in order for a reader like me to feel anything but indifference - the only way this can be enjoyed is if the reader already believes in the chemistry between Ash and Misty and already cares about their getting together.

The other glaring problem is that, well, Misty is not suicidal. She would never be suicidal. If she ever were to become suicidal, it would not be over a boy. And even if she did become suicidal over a boy, it would definitely not be Ash.

Misty is a tough, independent tomboy. If you interpret her as having feelings for Ash in the anime, she still hides them behind all the things about him that irritate her while they are in one another's presence. Even if she were to be directly rejected, she would not be heartbroken - she would be angry, with all that annoys her about Ash bursting out and beating down the romantic feelings. But here she isn't even directly rejected. She has just convinced herself that Ash doesn't care about her and therefore can't bear to think about him or be in his presence.

What? What? When did Misty turn into a frail shrinking violet? This is not Misty. Seriously. You need to have a really low self-esteem to decide without even trying that the person you like couldn't possibly like you back; Misty is strong and confident and just really wouldn't do that. And even if she did, again, thinking about it would make her angry, not suicidal. And if she felt that she couldn't take being with Ash for some length of time, she would act: she would tell him it's really busy at the Gym so he shouldn't come, or whatever story it would take to make him cancel the trip. Yet again, if it failed, it would make her angry, not defeated and suicidal like that.

Seriously. Misty is not suicidal. Suicide isn't something that normal, healthy people do when they're heartbroken. It's not something that normal people do when they generally think life sucks, either. I don't think you appreciate just how messed up suicide is: we're genetically programmed to fear death and pain. The act of suicide is profoundly bizarre on every level, and to even seriously consider it, you need to be pretty much clinically depressed, something that does not happen magically because the person you like doesn't like you back. Millions of people get over unrequited crushes and far worse every day without killing themselves; what makes you think Misty of all people is one of those few already sad and desperate enough to be unable to get over it? Suicide as a plot device in shipping fiction is almost always extremely contrived and profoundly OOC, and this is no exception. It could work if the emotions associated with the suicidal thoughts were properly explored and made believable - and there needs to be more to said emotions than just "Ash doesn't love me" - but you, well, don't.

The writing isn't so bad - it's kind of bare, with little interesting description and a few too many paragraph breaks, and quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes, but you do manage to set something of a mood and include some details that indicate you have potential. However, the characterization doesn't work and the story fails to deliver the feelings you're trying to convey, making it have rather little in the way of emotional impact.

Thanks Dragonfree.

I appreciate you reviewing my fic, (actually, you have no idea how absolutely amazing it feels, You actually did something for me).

I will build on all this in my future writing efforts. However, according to what you wrote, I don't really see how I can revise this so it works so they are in charecter. So I guess I kind of have to abandon this until I can think of a creative way to solve this. I'll continue thinking though, and someday, when it is good, I'll be able to say "Dragonfree helped me."

I am now eternally happy that you reviewed my first oneshot.